LOVE, DEAR BITTERSWEET FRIEND

I have participated in this game of love many times in my young life. I have lived to tell my friends about it, laughed about it and thought about its unending joys. Oh! Love is the sweetest thing one can experience. It can also be the most bitter pill anyone can take. You see, it starts well with the usual smiling phase. You think and think of that new person in your life, you smile and smile at the thought of that person. You swear to the world that s/he is the one. No one can stop you. Your heart does beautiful beats to the tune of love, your tummy suddenly harbors butterflies at the site of the source. It is a beautiful beginning. Its the first taste of Baileys....sweet and subtle. You are yet to swallow.

 Like most people, I have won in that game. It may be a short term celebration but a win nonetheless. If you have never felt what it feels like to be loved back, you should pray you experience it before you expire. It sends you to the mountain top and back, takes you to the ocean and gives you a smooth sail back to shore, all these things happen at once. You are unstoppable, people have to give way lest you flatten them with your cart overfilled with love. You want to give your all, you actually give your all. Even your body glows with this emotion. This feeling, is one of the best in the world. It even makes one do crazy things, it is so bright a light that it renders you blind, even if for a short while. Once love comes your way, most things might fade away.

On the other hand, I have often terribly failed in that game. The face down crowd thirsting after your blood kind of loss. I have had thorns left in places of roses, I have had to swallow my Baileys faster than ever imagined. The aftertaste kills my tongue. Many at times it's nature taking course, other times my very own doing or the aspect of being broken by the one you loved, literally. You almost feel your left atrium separating from your right atrium....you surely feel the bleeding into your chest cavity and you literally cannot breathe. You are suffocating in pain, and you just want it to end. I think how someone survives such damage is still questionable but thank God its proven not to kill, at least not directly.

Then comes this phase called moving on. It is the longest phase on earth. You are stuck between anger and sadness. A simple thing as watching a couple hold hands will send you into tears or rage. You are often told, ''the only way to get over someone is get under someone''.....Well I don't know whether that literally works but my version of it is spending time in company of other cheerful people. You will need friends like never before and a break from those places familiar to your memories.You may come out fine on the other end, the thorns will still be insitu, but the scars will eventually heal and thus have no 'feeling' power. Thorns will prick as you walk, talk or slip into memories session, but it will not hurt, not like before anyway.

If you are not lucky, you might walk around with a broken heart, never completely healed. You, my dear friend, need God to intervene. You need to decide if you are moving on completely, going to join a support group or relapse and start all over again. My bet is if you actually work on it, you can eventually look at nature differently and start the whole love thing again. No matter how many times I have hurt over love, I will not love with fear. I will love foolishly, with all my heart and strength. I just don't know if this time it will be the real one,but I will keep trying with my all. Well, I hope I don't drop of exhaustion one day.

SO HELP ME GOD

I am a weak person, even in my strength, I still am weak.
Even in my thoughts, when I think I have it all figured out, I still am weak.

In my acts, for or against a trigger, I am weak. Weak to the decisions that run my mind, weak to the vengeance that threatens to destroy me.
Weak towards things I have given strength over my decisions.
Weak towards factors that encourage me to look down on my beliefs... ooh! It's just hard to stay on the right track, when my legs are too weak to follow.

I am weak to the core, I am weak to believe I am strong, for in over-confidence lies a trap. A trap many a times I have walked into, with eyes wide open, ears attentive and brain well oxygenated.

I am weak for confiding in this world, I am weak for trusting in the many comforts it has to offer.
I am weak for thinking it will last forever. Surprise! surprise! Weakness mocks me.

I am weak, indeed I am weak. Towards the people that should not matter, towards those out to make sure my weakness surpasses my strength; those who rejoice in my weakness. I am weak in failing to see the obvious, those that love me with all my weaknesses. Those that really matter the most. My family, blood or not.

I have just but one prayer, to God. To help me turn my weaknesses back to strengths once again. Like Samson in the Bible, to have what was once mine. So help me God.

HUMAN, TESTED AND PROVEN

For the first time in ages, my guard fell. I did not let down my guard, it just fell, just like that. It fell off at the wrong time and that left me vulnerable. I was not amused because I had to start all over again by picking sharp piercing minute pieces of myself. Up to now, I have not managed to piece me back together. I am broken as can be, I am sure a piece is missing somewhere along the corridors of the hospital, another is with my patient. I will simply have to work hard to grow another piece.

Let me tell you about my day, it started out well. Normal as can be, with this and that to do. Today I had the honor of taking care of a patient with metastasized Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, don't worry about its origin. Honor because I re-learnt things I always assumed I knew. He is a young man with a young family. Young as in below 60 years of age, above 50 years. That is extremely young if you ask me. I saw him for the first time today morning as I received my report. The first picture that was painted is still imprinted in my memory corner. Weak, in pain despite analgesics, holding on to a thread and yet grateful for little things like me putting up fluids.

Nursed propped up, he has a hard time being comfortable despite attempting many positions. His abdomen is swollen, pressing upwards to his diaphragm, making his breathing not so nice and hiccuping every second he spares to breath out. His prognosis is not good, but he was not displacing( he damn well has a right to) His wife, was a mess. Her eyes red as evidence of crying, their daughter lost on who to comfort, relatives in defeated silence. All eyes on any doctor/nurse who makes their way there, as though they carry with them a miracle/a sign that all will be well.

Any who, I looked at his suffering, his gentle nature and I did not know it till I touched my face. It was wet. I quickly brushed the tear aside lest the relatives, especially the wife, see the hopelessness written in my eyes and on my face. I pretended to adjust the rate of TPNs, to check if this or that was okay. Finally, I took a walk. I do not know what it was with this particular patient, I have seen enough suffering to last a lifetime but always managed to stay away from the sympathy shoe. Empathy is what they advise if not teach, because you have to protect yourself. Each time a patient dies and you let it get to you, you loose a piece of you. Eventually, you get to give away pieces of you that eventually you might be an empty shell.

Bottom line is, I felt such pain for this man, helpless, his family watching him waste away. His wife, trying to be strong but failing miserably, his family scared to death. That deathly silence they had around him was heartbreaking. It was as though they were afraid of talking. Up to now, I cannot tell why or what triggered my emotions, all I know is that I was caught off guard and stripped off my protective armor. I know for sure that a piece of me has gone away, it is gone with my patient. My heart is broken, my spirit defeated and I have questioned the Almighty. "If there was ever a miracle, God now is the time." In my mind, I did say a prayer. Hope, faith and miracles were on my mind too.


The purpose for our life is clear, the reason for our living manifested each day with our achievements and good deeds. This man re-taught me to take not take my health for granted, to appreciate family and to always be grateful to God no matter what the circumstances. I had already 'forgotten' these things. And the price someone else is paying for people like me to remember....Oh how sad.

CALL ME LAZY, BUT I LOVE MY SLEEP

I am wide awake early in the morning on my day off. My sleep pattern has greatly improved, I can now sleep through noise and all. I am awake this early because my system ran out of sleep. I have not overslept, no, in fact I have barely had 6hours of sleep. I am as fresh as can be. My afternoon is yet to prove me wrong.
I have a friend who sleeps for 4 hours (he proudly tells me that) out of a 24hour cycle. 20hours are reserved for work, and work does he. And he has achieved almost all he may want. "You might break down one day" I often tell him. "Nah, your body get used to it" I believe him, but I also believe he will break down one day. He is as healthy as can appear, but looks are deceiving. He reminds me of a young man I had the pleasure of meeting.

Young at 42years, he works like a donkey. Only that it is not forced labor, he is a willing laborer. He goes to bed at 12midnight, out of the house by 4am. "When do you see your kids?" I once asked him.
"On Sundays" He comfortably told me.

"Wow, your job must be important."

He smiles at me, its a top secret government job. I understand, and move away from the subject.

His blood pressure, lets just say the last time it was checked was rocket high. I wouldn't be surprised if he collapsed from a 'heart attack' or if he had an 'Aneurysm burst' somewhere in his blood vessels. I ask him what he does on Sundays.

"Church for the better of my day, then out with my family"

"What time do you go to bed?"

"9pm the earliest"

He can tell I am surprised by the look on my face. I am surprised, I mean, 9pm  the earliest? On his only sane day? Okay.

"So what did the doctor say?" I asked curiosity getting the better of me.

"I needed to be admitted because my BPs are uncontrollable. Told him I can't afford to take a break at this moment, later perhaps."
 I smile, I'm amused not because its funny.
" Do you go on leave?" Of course he does.

"Who takes your place when you're gone?"

"My boss"

"So can't he do that for a few days or weeks?"

"No." As simple as no. Ha!

"So what happens when you're away and your boss needs to leave the office?"

"I am recalled to work"

"How are you compensated?"

"Money comes in if I come in during my leave."
I hoped he was serious because I had a hard time believing a word he said. It sounded far fetched, I was tempted to snort.

Both parties are extremely well to do. They have this lifestyle only few can afford,and I mean FEW. I like their determination, I like their beliefs.
It got me thinking, I value my life, I value my health even though only my maker can guarantee I got good health. I even value the quality of my sleep!
Perhaps I should look more into less sleep and obsess about work,  But hey! while at it, I might take time to draft a will because like a walking fuse,I might blow out. Its your life, live it as you please. Just be wise about it, and certainly consider your loved ones while at it....Call me lazy but I love my sleep.

THE LION, THE CHEETAH AND THE HYENA.

The Lion
 The second largest living cat after the tiger. A walk in the jungle, no fear no hurry. It does own the kingdom. It roars at will, scaring the faint hearted, having them look for hiding spots. It is courageous, it is brave. In a way, it is proud, arrogant even. It does not eat leftovers, it gets the fresh kills. It does not settle for less, even when there is drought, it will not settle for grass. It will get that fresh kill, even if it uses its last ounce of strength.It is very fast, but not the fastest though.It will rarely share its catch wit others, unless they are a significant group.

The Cheetah
It is a beautiful big cat. Do not let it fool you though, it is a killer. It is very swift, can outrun most of its prey. As swift as it is in chasing, it equally is swift at giving up. It may be courageous but is easily discouraged when its prey seems to outrun it. It does need a surge of energy to support its animal record speed.

The Hyena
 An animal that is not attractive, very lazy, cowardly and loves left overs. It will have whatever the lion and cheaters did not want/ finish. It is at times follows the big cats for long distances to have a meal. It does have that laugh and it is cunning at times.

In life, we have at some point been either of the three animals. We have characteristics almost similar to the animals stated. When we walk around fearing no evil, believing in ourselves and not settling for less than we deserve, we walk with purpose. When we carry ourselves otherwise, we will feed on 'dead' things life as to offer.

We should be quick to grasp an opportunity that might not come our way again, we should never give up without one huge of a fight, and we definitely should never wait to have leftovers. Go out there for your kill, it is possible. No one likes the Hyena anyway, don't be one.

THAT ILLUSION

You always smile at the thought of someone thinking about you, someone admitting to missing you, someone taking you to nice little dates.Love is perfect, at first mostly. You have that new energy, you have those sparks that can start a fire in a closed room. You get lost in each others eyes, your tummy has butterflies every time he smiles at you. You feel alive, you feel glorious, awesome does not even begin to explain it. Even the frowning faces have a smile, you can tell they are different-good different.

Those little things he does for you, the texts, the flowers, the chocolates, making dinner once in while. They make a foundation for your love even stronger, they make you believe every thing they say concerning you.You are blessed, never been happier, never felt more thankful for your prince. You are convinced yours will last  lifetime. You do not get why Sarah and Jake never made it! Love is a great feeling, who would give up such!

You are into the second year of commitment, still feels as though it were yesterday. The great feeling is still much alive. There is just a slight difference, the little acts have reduced. It is the work, it is weighing down on him. He has such much stuff to attend to you feel sorry for him. You do not want to add to his stress, you make sure the dinner is ready, the house is neat, you are just perfect and ready for him. You start to put his needs ahead of yours, isn't that what love is all about? He promises he will be back to normal, as soon as he finishes his urgent office stuff.

By the third year, office work is still piling in. The only thing left in your fantasy world are the memories. Occasionally, out of guilt, he brings home flowers at 9pm, two hours late for dinner. You are watching news or a documentary, cold food on the stove. He comes in, has a guilty face, apologizes profusely and put his hands in his face. 'Oh what will I do? I should quit this job, I feel bad we don't spend more time together.' He is one step away from getting that promotion, you are a step away if not already playing second wife after work. Yeah, he put a ring on his work too. That guilty statement melts away your concerns, you want what is best for him.

By the time you open your eyes, the gap between you and him is so wide you actually feel as though you're living with a stranger. If he has no time for you, he simply is not that interested. He is taking you for granted. He is cheating on you with someone/something else. When you were courting, he could move mountains for you, his schedule was manageable, seeing your face at the end of the day was a strong motivating factor. He never forgot the flowers, or the chocolate. 

You look at the mirror, has your face changed? No. Has your skin fallen off? No. Have you grown fat? No. Are you pregnant? You don't think so.

You remember Sarah and Jake, you remember them so well. You vow you will not end up as they did. You will work for your vows. You kill yourself doing little nice things for him. You ensure breakfast is ready at 5am, even though you are totally wiped. You do this and that as advised by your girlfriends and those magazines. You go out of your way, but results are slow. Promises are still broken, 'apologies' keep streaming in.

Finally, you feel as though you're throwing yourself on the horse's path, to get trotted upon. You are exhausted, you are worn out. You need a new hobby, you get a job. You stop waiting up, you do not bother with the breakfast. By the time you have time for yourself, you are angry. Angry at yourself for allowing you to be walked upon. Angry at him for changing.

But you both changed, you stopped expecting happiness, you stopped demanding for your needs, you put your happiness aside, for a man.How sad....

A DAUGHTER, THAT BEAUTIFUL PEARL

She comes into this world fighting, it is always in the female species to fight; for survival. She brings with her a mixture of emotions, especially the urge to protect. When the parents hold her, it is evident she is loved, she makes your heart melt. With her first cry, her first laughter, her first silent facial emotion, you want in on her thoughts and feelings. You want to hold her so close and kiss her pretty little innocent face over and over. She is just perfect, a little of her mother, a little of her father. 

She grows into a curious little thing, over here, over there. Like a normal baby, she wants to experience life at once, patience is not on her to do list. She puts anything she can in her mouth, nose and even ears. She will squeal when at the doctor's cubicle as the bead is removed from her ear. As a parent, you will feel for her, want to take her place, but you can't. You have to watch her suffer, as you blame yourself for being a 'bad parent' for not paying close attention. Sometime she will choke on a coin, or something she picked, yet you cannot remember how she got to it. You will cry as you hold her after that scary episode. You think you are wiped out.

She grows into a beautiful thing, always curious about the world. 'Mommy, why do you do this and that?' 'Daddy, where were you? Did you see this and that?' She will exhaust you with questions that at times you have no real answers to. She will make you think and think of the 'right' answer. If you lie, she will catch the truth, eventually. 'But I thought you said....' Their memories are weirdly accurate, because they believe every little thing you tell them, at least at their current age. They will not hide emotions from you, they will not pretend. Every day you see a little of you in them. Other days, you see all of yourself in them! Such a beautiful mirror. 

She gets to that age where she puts on her mother's make up and play dress up with her besties, the dolls. She nurtures them exactly how she is being nurtured. She is a little lady in her little dress. She might opt to be a tom boy, playing with the neighborhood boys over girls, following her dad to his workshop and 'helping' him around. She is a girl beneath those overalls, those dungarees. She is a girl alright, despite her coming home covered in mud, happy to have 'helped' the boys repair a broken bicycle. She surprises you by asking for a bike, and she does not even need lessons on how to ride it. Thomas, your neighbor's son already taught her. She rides it to school, with the boys.

She is suddenly shy, suddenly as in you think it happened overnight. But you missed the first episode of her shyness. You cannot remember how it begun, how it happened. You are loosing the little angel. She is gaining the worldly wisdom, and she is no longer naive. You do not want to let go, you cannot let go. You have not had enough time with her! Only yesterday she ran to you with all the details of her life. Now you have to really pray she tells you a quarter of her life stories. You try to create an environment of trust,not that it was broken, but it is not you. She needs to figure herself out, she needs to get through by herself. You have to let go, keep your 'distance'. She will come around.

She will push your 'over-protectiveness' button to a new height. The boys know she is a gem, and boys are just boys. As a father, you remember when you were her age, when you went after girls for fun or 'love'. You get that chill down your spine, that is your own flesh and blood. Woe unto the boy who touches or hurts her. As a mother, you remember your teen life, how you got your heart severely wounded, how boys feigned love, how your mother warned you about this or that boy. Your heart aches at the thought of your little girl getting wounded, you are a bear. No one touches their cub, unless they got a death wish. She is still your little girl, no matter how old she gets.

She will get hurt, she will get bruised, she will make poor judgement calls, she will deviate from the good teachings and she might break your heart. But you will still love, protect and comfort her. You will always be her shoulder to cry on, despite the urge to utter 'I told you so'. You will threaten to beat up the boy who broke her heart, you will will stop her from seeing an unsuitable boy. She might hate you, oh she will definitely hate you. But you are her parents. She will keep learning, everyday, about life. She will only get to understand you as a parent when she gets her own family.

She is walking down the aisle, dressed in white like a princess. It is her wedding day,she is now a big girl, she has grown so fast. She hold your hands tight as though afraid to let go. She is finally leaving the nest, she will no longer have her parents everyday to herself. She has to let go, you have taught her well, she is ready. She is crying, as parents you smile reassuringly. As you hand her over to your son in law, you warn him not to hurt her or else....then you smile and in a friendly tone say 'Take care of our precious jewel'. He understands you completely. She finally lets go, hugs you and turns her back on you. She is gone, your beautiful pearl is gone.