For the first time in ages, my guard fell. I did not let down my guard, it just fell, just like that. It fell off at the wrong time and that left me vulnerable. I was not amused because I had to start all over again by picking sharp piercing minute pieces of myself. Up to now, I have not managed to piece me back together. I am broken as can be, I am sure a piece is missing somewhere along the corridors of the hospital, another is with my patient. I will simply have to work hard to grow another piece.
Let me tell you about my day, it started out well. Normal as can be, with this and that to do. Today I had the honor of taking care of a patient with metastasized Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, don't worry about its origin. Honor because I re-learnt things I always assumed I knew. He is a young man with a young family. Young as in below 60 years of age, above 50 years. That is extremely young if you ask me. I saw him for the first time today morning as I received my report. The first picture that was painted is still imprinted in my memory corner. Weak, in pain despite analgesics, holding on to a thread and yet grateful for little things like me putting up fluids.
Nursed propped up, he has a hard time being comfortable despite attempting many positions. His abdomen is swollen, pressing upwards to his diaphragm, making his breathing not so nice and hiccuping every second he spares to breath out. His prognosis is not good, but he was not displacing( he damn well has a right to) His wife, was a mess. Her eyes red as evidence of crying, their daughter lost on who to comfort, relatives in defeated silence. All eyes on any doctor/nurse who makes their way there, as though they carry with them a miracle/a sign that all will be well.
Any who, I looked at his suffering, his gentle nature and I did not know it till I touched my face. It was wet. I quickly brushed the tear aside lest the relatives, especially the wife, see the hopelessness written in my eyes and on my face. I pretended to adjust the rate of TPNs, to check if this or that was okay. Finally, I took a walk. I do not know what it was with this particular patient, I have seen enough suffering to last a lifetime but always managed to stay away from the sympathy shoe. Empathy is what they advise if not teach, because you have to protect yourself. Each time a patient dies and you let it get to you, you loose a piece of you. Eventually, you get to give away pieces of you that eventually you might be an empty shell.
Bottom line is, I felt such pain for this man, helpless, his family watching him waste away. His wife, trying to be strong but failing miserably, his family scared to death. That deathly silence they had around him was heartbreaking. It was as though they were afraid of talking. Up to now, I cannot tell why or what triggered my emotions, all I know is that I was caught off guard and stripped off my protective armor. I know for sure that a piece of me has gone away, it is gone with my patient. My heart is broken, my spirit defeated and I have questioned the Almighty. "If there was ever a miracle, God now is the time." In my mind, I did say a prayer. Hope, faith and miracles were on my mind too.
The purpose for our life is clear, the reason for our living manifested each day with our achievements and good deeds. This man re-taught me to take not take my health for granted, to appreciate family and to always be grateful to God no matter what the circumstances. I had already 'forgotten' these things. And the price someone else is paying for people like me to remember....Oh how sad.
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Monday, 3 March 2014
CALL ME LAZY, BUT I LOVE MY SLEEP
I am wide awake early in the morning on my day off. My sleep pattern has greatly improved, I can now sleep through noise and all. I am awake this early because my system ran out of sleep. I have not overslept, no, in fact I have barely had 6hours of sleep. I am as fresh as can be. My afternoon is yet to prove me wrong.
I have a friend who sleeps for 4 hours (he proudly tells me that) out of a 24hour cycle. 20hours are reserved for work, and work does he. And he has achieved almost all he may want. "You might break down one day" I often tell him. "Nah, your body get used to it" I believe him, but I also believe he will break down one day. He is as healthy as can appear, but looks are deceiving. He reminds me of a young man I had the pleasure of meeting.
Young at 42years, he works like a donkey. Only that it is not forced labor, he is a willing laborer. He goes to bed at 12midnight, out of the house by 4am. "When do you see your kids?" I once asked him.
"On Sundays" He comfortably told me.
"Wow, your job must be important."
He smiles at me, its a top secret government job. I understand, and move away from the subject.
His blood pressure, lets just say the last time it was checked was rocket high. I wouldn't be surprised if he collapsed from a 'heart attack' or if he had an 'Aneurysm burst' somewhere in his blood vessels. I ask him what he does on Sundays.
"Church for the better of my day, then out with my family"
"What time do you go to bed?"
"9pm the earliest"
He can tell I am surprised by the look on my face. I am surprised, I mean, 9pm the earliest? On his only sane day? Okay.
"So what did the doctor say?" I asked curiosity getting the better of me.
"I needed to be admitted because my BPs are uncontrollable. Told him I can't afford to take a break at this moment, later perhaps."
I smile, I'm amused not because its funny.
" Do you go on leave?" Of course he does.
"Who takes your place when you're gone?"
"My boss"
"So can't he do that for a few days or weeks?"
"No." As simple as no. Ha!
"So what happens when you're away and your boss needs to leave the office?"
"I am recalled to work"
"How are you compensated?"
"Money comes in if I come in during my leave."
I hoped he was serious because I had a hard time believing a word he said. It sounded far fetched, I was tempted to snort.
Both parties are extremely well to do. They have this lifestyle only few can afford,and I mean FEW. I like their determination, I like their beliefs.
It got me thinking, I value my life, I value my health even though only my maker can guarantee I got good health. I even value the quality of my sleep!
Perhaps I should look more into less sleep and obsess about work, But hey! while at it, I might take time to draft a will because like a walking fuse,I might blow out. Its your life, live it as you please. Just be wise about it, and certainly consider your loved ones while at it....Call me lazy but I love my sleep.
I have a friend who sleeps for 4 hours (he proudly tells me that) out of a 24hour cycle. 20hours are reserved for work, and work does he. And he has achieved almost all he may want. "You might break down one day" I often tell him. "Nah, your body get used to it" I believe him, but I also believe he will break down one day. He is as healthy as can appear, but looks are deceiving. He reminds me of a young man I had the pleasure of meeting.
Young at 42years, he works like a donkey. Only that it is not forced labor, he is a willing laborer. He goes to bed at 12midnight, out of the house by 4am. "When do you see your kids?" I once asked him.
"On Sundays" He comfortably told me.
"Wow, your job must be important."
He smiles at me, its a top secret government job. I understand, and move away from the subject.
His blood pressure, lets just say the last time it was checked was rocket high. I wouldn't be surprised if he collapsed from a 'heart attack' or if he had an 'Aneurysm burst' somewhere in his blood vessels. I ask him what he does on Sundays.
"Church for the better of my day, then out with my family"
"What time do you go to bed?"
"9pm the earliest"
He can tell I am surprised by the look on my face. I am surprised, I mean, 9pm the earliest? On his only sane day? Okay.
"So what did the doctor say?" I asked curiosity getting the better of me.
"I needed to be admitted because my BPs are uncontrollable. Told him I can't afford to take a break at this moment, later perhaps."
I smile, I'm amused not because its funny.
" Do you go on leave?" Of course he does.
"Who takes your place when you're gone?"
"My boss"
"So can't he do that for a few days or weeks?"
"No." As simple as no. Ha!
"So what happens when you're away and your boss needs to leave the office?"
"I am recalled to work"
"How are you compensated?"
"Money comes in if I come in during my leave."
I hoped he was serious because I had a hard time believing a word he said. It sounded far fetched, I was tempted to snort.
Both parties are extremely well to do. They have this lifestyle only few can afford,and I mean FEW. I like their determination, I like their beliefs.
It got me thinking, I value my life, I value my health even though only my maker can guarantee I got good health. I even value the quality of my sleep!
Perhaps I should look more into less sleep and obsess about work, But hey! while at it, I might take time to draft a will because like a walking fuse,I might blow out. Its your life, live it as you please. Just be wise about it, and certainly consider your loved ones while at it....Call me lazy but I love my sleep.
THE LION, THE CHEETAH AND THE HYENA.
The Lion
The second largest living cat after the tiger. A walk in the jungle, no fear no hurry. It does own the kingdom. It roars at will, scaring the faint hearted, having them look for hiding spots. It is courageous, it is brave. In a way, it is proud, arrogant even. It does not eat leftovers, it gets the fresh kills. It does not settle for less, even when there is drought, it will not settle for grass. It will get that fresh kill, even if it uses its last ounce of strength.It is very fast, but not the fastest though.It will rarely share its catch wit others, unless they are a significant group.
The Cheetah
It is a beautiful big cat. Do not let it fool you though, it is a killer. It is very swift, can outrun most of its prey. As swift as it is in chasing, it equally is swift at giving up. It may be courageous but is easily discouraged when its prey seems to outrun it. It does need a surge of energy to support its animal record speed.
The Hyena
An animal that is not attractive, very lazy, cowardly and loves left overs. It will have whatever the lion and cheaters did not want/ finish. It is at times follows the big cats for long distances to have a meal. It does have that laugh and it is cunning at times.
In life, we have at some point been either of the three animals. We have characteristics almost similar to the animals stated. When we walk around fearing no evil, believing in ourselves and not settling for less than we deserve, we walk with purpose. When we carry ourselves otherwise, we will feed on 'dead' things life as to offer.
We should be quick to grasp an opportunity that might not come our way again, we should never give up without one huge of a fight, and we definitely should never wait to have leftovers. Go out there for your kill, it is possible. No one likes the Hyena anyway, don't be one.
The second largest living cat after the tiger. A walk in the jungle, no fear no hurry. It does own the kingdom. It roars at will, scaring the faint hearted, having them look for hiding spots. It is courageous, it is brave. In a way, it is proud, arrogant even. It does not eat leftovers, it gets the fresh kills. It does not settle for less, even when there is drought, it will not settle for grass. It will get that fresh kill, even if it uses its last ounce of strength.It is very fast, but not the fastest though.It will rarely share its catch wit others, unless they are a significant group.
The Cheetah
It is a beautiful big cat. Do not let it fool you though, it is a killer. It is very swift, can outrun most of its prey. As swift as it is in chasing, it equally is swift at giving up. It may be courageous but is easily discouraged when its prey seems to outrun it. It does need a surge of energy to support its animal record speed.
The Hyena
An animal that is not attractive, very lazy, cowardly and loves left overs. It will have whatever the lion and cheaters did not want/ finish. It is at times follows the big cats for long distances to have a meal. It does have that laugh and it is cunning at times.
In life, we have at some point been either of the three animals. We have characteristics almost similar to the animals stated. When we walk around fearing no evil, believing in ourselves and not settling for less than we deserve, we walk with purpose. When we carry ourselves otherwise, we will feed on 'dead' things life as to offer.
We should be quick to grasp an opportunity that might not come our way again, we should never give up without one huge of a fight, and we definitely should never wait to have leftovers. Go out there for your kill, it is possible. No one likes the Hyena anyway, don't be one.
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